“I forgive you for leaving
windows open in rain
and soaking library books
again. For putting forth
only revisions of yourself with punctuation worked over,
instead of the disordered truth,
I forgive you…”
As I listened to the rain through my open windows, this line of Dilruba Ahmed’s “Phase One” floated into my mind.
Tasks and projects are suspended in half-completeness around me, and frustration roils each time I tell myself I “should” be further along with things than I am.
In the flurry of frustration and tasks, what I fail to acknowledge are the beautiful boundaries of being human. I only have so much time, so much energy, so much attention. Not getting everything done either means I need to pause and course correct where my time, energy, and attention are going; or I need to recognize that the demand for my time, energy, and attention outweighs my current capacities.
In my head, idealized me does not get tired. Idealized me has bountiful attention spans and never seems to tire as she expends energy on all the doing and being I imagine is possible for her (for me).
Often, I hold myself to unrealistic standards. I have an idealized version of who I am and what I can accomplish running through my head, and I compare the reality of myself to this idealized concept.
One of the main issues that arises in this comparison has to do with time (of course) and energy and attention.
In my head, idealized me does not get tired. Idealized me has bountiful attention spans and never seems to tire as she expends energy on all the doing and being I imagine is possible for her (for me).
Idealized me does not feel time pressure. She effortless glides through all the tasks and to dos without minute and hour constraints. Idealized me gets everything done with time to spare, and then she fills that time with productive and meaningful activities that boost my personal and professional development.
Through forgiveness, I am able to acknowledge and accept my limitations, my boundaries, my capacities. Through forgiveness, I am able to move forward.
I feel a little silly writing this down but it’s been such an important process for me to notice and understand what standards of comparison I use. In reality, I spend time ungracefully. Tasks go forgotten or undone. Instead of a steady stream of personal and professional development, I sputter through a series of unproductive activities, work too late, or feel absolutely wiped out. I don’t always pace myself, don’t always spend my time wisely or intentionally, and I certainly don’t have the time or energy to do everything I want to do in a day.
When I hold my reality against the idealized self in my head I feel I’m not doing enough and not doing well enough. When I hold this comparison, I can’t shake that feeling no matter how much I’m actually getting done.
I’ve learned the benefits of forgiving myself for the time, energy, and attention constraints I have. It’s not only about forgiving myself for being human, it’s learning to forgive myself for holding the expectation that I can (or should) be more than human. I am learning to forgive myself for holding my efforts and reality against an unattainable and incomparable standard.
Through forgiveness, I am able to acknowledge and accept my limitations, my boundaries, my capacities. Through forgiveness, I am able to move forward.
In what ways could you offer yourself forgiveness right now?
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