High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview.
– Heidi Grant
Interesting, right? This quote comes from the article To Succeed, Forget Self-Esteem by Heidi Grant in the Harvard Business Review.
Self-esteem is such a buzz word in personal and professional development, but Grant points to research done at Berkeley that suggests self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, is key to approaching personal failure with the motivation to improve.
This article looks at self-esteem as something that becomes detrimental where self-compassion is not because self-esteem doesn’t allow us to focus on our mistakes. Self-esteem only allows us to re-focus on our successes and strengths, not acknowledging anything that makes us feel less than confident.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, is a recognition that you are human. And as a human there are going to be things you suck at, you are going to make mistakes, and no, you aren’t going to be perfect all of the time.
What I find particularly compelling about this distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion is the connection I see to growth mindset.
Now, if you haven’t heard of growth mindset, I highly suggest you take a peek at Carol Dweck’s work. (Here’s a ten minute TED Talk Dr. Dweck gives to explain this concept of growth versus fixed mindset.)
When we allow ourselves to take risks, think outside the box, and make mistakes, we then open ourselves to learning from those experiences.
(This is growth mindset – “I didn’t succeed, yet. But I learned that…”)
On the other hand, when we live in fear of making a mistake or deviating from perfection and excruciatingly high standards, we close ourselves off from those learning opportunities. We don’t take that risk, we don’t channel that creativity, we don’t step outside the lines and end up discovering innovation because we fear discovering failure and imperfection instead. We let fear hold priority over innovation.
(This is fixed mindset – “I failed this campaign. I suck at marketing.”)
When we give ourselves the space to try…and try again…and try again, we can recognize that we won’t necessarily succeed right away but that doesn’t mean we’re inadequate. It may take many tries, and many failures, before something finally clicks.
This is self-compassion – knowing that we will makes mistakes and have failed attempts, but treating ourselves kindly when these things occur.
(“I didn’t succeed, yet. But I learned that I need to proofread before I send out my work. Man, those typos were so embarrassing! But I know for future writing that I should always include time to proofread And hey, I knew I was rushing through that – this is a good reminder to pay better attention.”)
By staring our humanness in the face (with all its imperfections, quirks, and mistakes), we ground ourselves in the reality of where we are currently, which better motivates and allows us to gameplan and move toward the growth we seek.
Self-compassion also allows us to be gentle with ourselves. Rather than beating ourselves up every time something doesn’t go as planned, we can forgive and move on.
In what ways can you approach yourself with self-compassion?
Are you beating yourself up about something? How can you reframe these thoughts and be empathetic toward yourself?
Reach out if you want to share or need a little help as you initiate self-compassion into your life.